From the ages of 16-26, I was what I would consider to be a "serious" Christian. Prior to that, I was a Roman Catholic, who was not particularly concerned with the Bible, though during that time I would have identified as a Christian, and I attended church regularly with my family during that time as well.

Now, after having left Christianity, I am reflecting on why I stayed Christian for so long in spite of being aware of so many issues with the Bible. From the very beginning, I had encountered Biblical critiques, and sought them out. In my late teens, I made a habit of watching debates, reading anti-Christian articles, and so on, even though doing so was very dread-inducing, because I wanted to be aware of critiques against the religion I followed, and know how to respond.

But, they did not "stick". Instead of persuading me to leave, they spurred me to build a massive apologetics catalog which I could resort to if I was ever challenged. In hindsight, the lengths I would go to in order to avoid admitting that Christianity was not true seem ridiculous, but of course, I am in a very different emotional state now than I was back then. Back then, what I was doing seemed perfectly rational, and comforting, because it affirmed my worldview, which was the anchor of how I determined what was true, and what the meaning of life was.

Having thought about this, I think the essence of what kept me in was this:

• I was very convinced that God existed, and it made sense to me that if God existed, He must have communicated with humanity, and that the meaning of life was to be found in following that communication. So, at least one religion must be true, and must be my source of meaning. And, having examined the major world religions, Christianity seemed most likely to be true. Therefore, Christianity became equated with both belief in God and belief in meaning for my life

The key issue is the faulty assumption that there was a "true religion" to be found out there, and that I must find it. That is what kept me inside Christianity. I was unwilling to admit to myself that it is possible that no one has received "Divine revelation" in the sense typically understood by organized religions. Christianity, to me, was the best choice out of a limited set of options, and I believed that I had to pick one.

That type of faulty thinking is what can lead someone - no matter how intelligent they otherwise may be - to believe something even in spite of massive problems. And, dislodging someone from the very intuitive belief that if God exists, He would communicate with humanity, is very difficult and emotionally painful for that person, because it seems reasonable, and is related to how they find meaning for their life.

Does God exist? I believe so. I don't believe that this complex system that we are experiencing had no designer at all. Has God spoken to humanity? Not from what I can tell - at least not in the "Thus saith the Lord - reveal this as a religion" kind of way. Has God "spoken" to us through conscience, reason, intellect, or some other more indirect way? That at least seems possible.

Why does God not directly speak to us? I don't know. And, I readily admit that it seems very strange for God to exist, and yet not directly communicate with us. This is the problem of the "silence of God", and philosophers have proposed various solutions. It could be that God wants us to use reason to arrive at the proper conclusions. It could be that this life is a test, and it is our prerogative to determine how best to live. It could be that if God did speak, it would interfere with whatever He is trying to accomplish with this situation. I don't have any single, overwhelmingly persuasive answer - only speculation. It is one of humanity's hardest problems to ponder, and I don't know if that will ever change for those of us who hold out belief in God.

Yet, I do know that I must be able to trust my reasoning, and use it to discern what is true and not true. No one else can live any other way with integrity. And, to the best of my ability, I have examined the existing religions of the world, and find them to have disqualifying issues, including Christianity. I cannot go against my conscience on that matter (Martin Luther said, "to go against conscience is neither right nor safe"), even if I would very much like it to be the case that God had spoken to humanity, and revealed a religion.

Conclusion

I remained Christian in spite of the issues that I was aware of because I was not emotionally ready to accept the implications of God not having communicated with humanity. Once I began to consider accepting the possibility that there was no "true religion" to be found, it became possible for me to leave, and so after careful reflection, that is what I did.